Recognising domestic abuse

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is any pattern of behaviour used by one person to control, coerce, or harm another within a close relationship. It can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, sexuality, background, or income.

The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 defines domestic abuse as behaviour that is:

• Physical or sexual
• Violent, threatening, or intimidating
• Controlling or coercive
• Economic abuse
• Psychological, emotional, or other abuse

A single incident can be domestic abuse, but it typically involves a pattern of behaviour over time.

Types of domestic abuse

Physical abuse

Any physical force used against you:

• Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking
• Pushing, shoving, grabbing
• Strangling or choking
• Throwing objects at you
• Using weapons
• Preventing you from leaving

Physical abuse often escalates over time.

Emotional and psychological abuse

Behaviour designed to damage your mental wellbeing:

• Constant criticism and put-downs
• Humiliation, especially in front of others
• Blaming you for everything
• Telling you you’re worthless or no one else would want you
• Threatening to harm you, children, pets, or themselves
• Unpredictable behaviour that keeps you on edge
• Gaslighting (making you doubt your own reality)
• Isolating you from friends and family

Coercive control

A pattern of behaviour that restricts your freedom and autonomy:

• Monitoring your movements and communications
• Controlling who you see and what you do
• Making rules you must follow
• Punishing you for “breaking” rules
• Making you account for every minute
• Using jealousy to justify control

Coercive control is now a criminal offence in the UK.

Economic abuse

Using money and resources to control you:

• Controlling all the finances
• Preventing you from working or sabotaging your job
• Giving you an “allowance”
• Making you account for every penny
• Running up debts in your name
• Refusing to contribute to household costs
• Taking your wages or benefits

Sexual abuse

Any sexual activity without your genuine consent:

• Rape (including within marriage)
• Sexual assault
• Pressuring you into sexual acts
• Criticising your body or sexual performance
• Sharing intimate images without consent
• Forcing you to watch pornography

Sexual abuse within relationships is a crime.

Technology-enabled abuse

Using technology to control, monitor, or harass:

• Constantly checking your phone
• Tracking your location
• Monitoring your emails and social media
• Sharing images without consent
• Harassment through messages or calls
• Using spyware on your devices

Recognising abuse in your relationship

Abuse often builds gradually. Ask yourself:

Do you feel afraid of your partner? Do you walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them?

Are you isolated? Have you lost touch with friends and family? Do you need permission to see people?

Does your partner control you? Do they decide what you wear, where you go, how you spend money?

Are you blamed for everything? Does your partner say their behaviour is your fault?

Do you doubt yourself? Do you question your own memory or perception of events?

Are you being monitored? Does your partner check your phone, track your location, time how long you’re out?

Has there been violence? Even once? Does your partner threaten violence?

If you answered yes to any of these, you may be experiencing domestic abuse.

Why people stay

Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. People stay for many reasons:

• Fear of what the abuser will do if they leave
• Love for their partner
• Hope things will change
• Financial dependence
• Concerns about children
• Shame or embarrassment
• Isolation from support
• Immigration status
• Religious or cultural pressures
• Nowhere to go
• Previous failed attempts to leave

These are all understandable. Leaving safely often takes time and planning.

Abuse and divorce

If you’re divorcing an abusive partner:

Your safety is the priority. Take steps to protect yourself and any children.

You may be entitled to legal aid. With evidence of domestic abuse, legal aid is available for divorce-related matters.

The court takes abuse seriously. It affects decisions about children and finances.

Special measures exist. Courts can make arrangements to protect you (separate waiting areas, screens, video links).

You don’t have to face them in mediation. Domestic abuse is an exemption from the MIAM requirement.

Non-molestation orders can protect you. These are court orders preventing contact and harassment.

Getting help

If you recognise abuse in your relationship:

Talk to someone. A trusted friend, family member, or helpline.

Seek specialist support. Domestic abuse services understand what you’re going through.

Plan for safety. Especially if you’re thinking of leaving.

Know you’re not alone. Many people have been where you are and found a way out.

Key helplines

National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24/7, run by Refuge)

Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327 (for male victims)

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop)

Karma Nirvana: 0800 5999 247 (honour-based abuse)

These are free, confidential, and won’t judge you.