Coping with divorce

What you might be feeling

Divorce triggers a grief reaction – you’re mourning the loss of your relationship, your shared future, and the life you expected to have. Common feelings include:

Shock and denial: Even if you initiated the divorce, the reality can still feel surreal. You might find yourself thinking “this can’t really be happening.”

Sadness and grief: Deep sadness about the end of your marriage, lost dreams, and changes to your family life.

Anger: At your spouse, at yourself, at the situation. Anger is a normal part of grief.

Fear and anxiety: About the future, finances, being alone, how children will cope.

Relief: If the marriage was unhappy, relief is a valid and common response – though it often comes mixed with other emotions.

Guilt: Whether you left or were left, guilt about the impact on children, family, or even your ex can be overwhelming.

Loneliness: Even in an unhappy marriage, you had companionship. Adjusting to being alone takes time.

All of these feelings are normal. There’s no “right” way to feel about divorce.

The stages of adjustment

People often move through stages as they process divorce, though not in a neat, linear way:

1. Crisis: The initial shock and upheaval. Basic functioning may be difficult.

2. Adjustment: Learning to cope with the practical and emotional changes. This is often the longest phase.

3. Growth: Beginning to see possibilities in your new life. Building new routines, relationships, and identity.

You might move back and forth between stages, especially when triggered by events like court dates, anniversaries, or seeing your ex.

Practical strategies for coping

Take care of basics

When you’re in emotional turmoil, basic self-care often slips:

• Try to eat regular meals, even small ones
• Get some sleep, even if it’s disrupted
• Move your body – even a short walk helps
• Limit alcohol – it feels like it helps but makes things worse
• Keep some structure to your days

Allow yourself to grieve

Don’t try to “be strong” all the time. It’s okay to:

• Cry when you need to
• Feel angry
• Miss your old life
• Have bad days

Suppressing emotions typically prolongs the process. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling.

Avoid major decisions

If possible, don’t make big life decisions (moving house, changing jobs, new relationships) in the first few months. You’re not in the best state to think clearly.

Of course, some decisions can’t wait – focus on what’s essential and defer what can wait.

Limit contact with your ex

Reduce unnecessary contact, especially in the early days:

• Communicate about practical matters (children, finances) but keep it brief
• Avoid rehashing the relationship
• Don’t use children as messengers
• Unfollow on social media if it helps

Create new routines

Your old routines are tied to your old life. Creating new ones helps you move forward:

• Change morning or evening rituals
• Find new places to go (coffee shop, walking route)
• Start a new hobby or return to an old one
• Rearrange furniture or redecorate

Set small goals

When everything feels overwhelming, focus on small, achievable goals:

• Today I will eat three meals
• This week I will call a friend
• This month I will sort one area of paperwork

Small achievements build confidence and momentum.

Building your support network

Talk to people. Isolation makes everything harder. Reach out to:

• Friends and family you trust
• People who’ve been through divorce themselves
• Support groups (online or in person)
• Professional support (counsellor, GP)

Accept help. When people offer to help, say yes. Let them:

• Bring you food
• Look after children
• Keep you company
• Help with practical tasks

Be selective. Not everyone will be helpful. Some people will judge, give unwanted advice, or take sides. Focus on those who genuinely support you.

Find your people. Others who’ve been through divorce often understand in ways that others don’t. Divorce support groups can be invaluable.

What helps (and what doesn’t)

Helpful

• Talking to trusted people
• Physical activity
• Maintaining routines
• Small pleasures and treats
• Professional support when needed
• Time outdoors
• Creative outlets
• Being patient with yourself

Not helpful

• Excessive alcohol or drugs
• Isolating yourself completely
• Obsessing over what went wrong
• Stalking your ex on social media
• Rebounding into new relationships too quickly
• Putting on a brave face constantly
• Making major decisions in crisis mode

When to seek professional help

Consider professional support if:

• You’re struggling to function day-to-day
• Feelings of hopelessness persist
• You’re using alcohol or drugs to cope
• You’re having thoughts of self-harm
• Anxiety or depression is overwhelming
• You can’t eat or sleep
• You’re concerned about your mental health

There’s no shame in getting help. Divorce is genuinely difficult, and professional support can make a real difference.

It does get better

This is hard to believe when you’re in the middle of it, but divorce does get easier. Most people report significant improvement within 1-2 years. Many eventually say the divorce led to positive changes in their lives.

Right now, focus on getting through. Better days are coming.