Telling children about divorce

Before the conversation

Be certain of your decision

Don’t tell your children about separation until you’re sure it’s happening. Telling them prematurely – then possibly changing your mind – creates confusion and erodes their sense of security. Wait until you’re certain before having this conversation.

Plan together with your ex-partner

Ideally, tell your children together. This shows them that:

• You’re united as parents, even if you’re separating as a couple
• Neither parent is abandoning them
• Both of you still love them

If you can’t manage to be in the same room, agree in advance what you’ll say so children hear a consistent message.

Agree on the basics

Before the conversation, decide:

• When and where you’ll tell them
• Who will say what
• What practical information you can share (who’s moving, when, what stays the same)
• How you’ll handle their questions

Choose the right moment

Pick a time when:

• You won’t be interrupted
• There’s no school or activities immediately after (give them time to process)
• It’s not just before bed or a big event
• All children can be present if you want to tell them together

Avoid birthdays, holidays, the start of school term, or immediately before exams.

During the conversation

Keep it simple

Children don’t need to know all the reasons for your separation. A general explanation is enough:

“Mum and Dad have decided we’re not going to live together anymore. This is an adult decision, and it’s not because of anything you’ve done. We both love you and that will never change.”

Key messages to convey

Whatever their age, children need to hear:

It’s not their fault. Children often blame themselves. Be explicit: “This is not because of anything you did or didn’t do.”

Both parents love them. Reassure them that your love is unchanged and unconditional.

They’ll be looked after. They need to know that life will continue, routines will be maintained, and both parents will still be there for them.

It’s a permanent decision. Don’t give false hope of reconciliation. Gently help them understand this is final.

They don’t need to choose sides. Make clear that loving one parent doesn’t mean betraying the other.

Give practical information

Children feel more secure when they know what to expect. Share what you can about:

• Where each parent will live
• Where the children will sleep
• What their day-to-day life will look like
• What will stay the same (school, friends, activities)

If you don’t have all the answers yet, be honest: “We’re still working out exactly where Dad will live, but we’ll tell you as soon as we know.”

Listen and respond

After you’ve explained the situation, give children space to react. They might:

• Cry
• Get angry
• Ask lots of questions
• Go silent
• Seem unaffected
• Change the subject

All reactions are normal. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings or rush to fix everything. Simply acknowledge what they’re feeling: “I can see you’re upset. That makes sense – this is big news.”

Answer questions honestly

Children may ask:

• Why are you splitting up?
• Is it my fault?
• Will I still see both of you?
• Where will I live?
• What about our house/pet/school?
• Will you get back together?

Answer honestly but age-appropriately. You don’t need to share adult details, but don’t lie. If you can’t answer something, say so.

Age-appropriate approaches

Under 5 years

Very young children can’t grasp abstract concepts like “divorce” or “separation.” They need:

• Simple, concrete explanations
• Reassurance about their daily routine
• Extra cuddles and physical comfort
• To know who will look after them

They may not seem to understand the conversation but might react later through behaviour changes, sleep problems, or clinginess.

Ages 5-8

Children this age understand more but may still think magically. They might believe they can fix things or that they caused the split. They need:

• Clear statements that it’s not their fault
• Repeated reassurance
• Simple answers to practical questions
• Help naming their feelings

They may ask the same questions repeatedly as they process the information.

Ages 9-12

Pre-teens can understand more complexity but may struggle with the emotional intensity. They might:

• Want more detailed explanations
• Feel angry at one or both parents
• Worry about the impact on their social life
• Try to fix the situation or take sides

Give them honest (but not too detailed) answers and help them express their feelings.

Teenagers

Adolescents understand adult relationships better and may have already sensed problems. However, they may:

• React with anger or withdrawal
• Act as if they don’t care (when they do)
• Judge one or both parents harshly
• Worry about practical implications (moving house, changing schools)
• Take on inappropriate levels of responsibility

Respect their growing maturity while remembering they’re still children who need reassurance and support.

After the conversation

Follow up

One conversation isn’t enough. Over the coming days and weeks:

• Check in regularly about how they’re feeling
• Answer questions as they arise
• Reassure them consistently
• Watch for signs of distress

Be patient with reactions

Children may go through various emotions – sadness, anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance – sometimes all in one day. Their reactions may come in waves as reality sinks in.

Maintain routines

Consistency helps children feel secure during upheaval. Try to keep:

• Regular bedtimes and mealtimes
• School and activity schedules
• Time with friends and extended family

Let them be children

Your children don’t need to know the details of your adult problems. Don’t:

• Use them as messengers between parents
• Confide in them about your feelings towards your ex
• Rely on them for emotional support
• Involve them in decision-making about the separation

Inform school and other important adults

Let your children’s school, childminder, or other significant adults know what’s happening. They can:

• Watch for changes in behaviour
• Provide extra support
• Avoid accidentally upsetting your child

Consider professional support

If your children are struggling significantly, consider:

• School counselling services
• GP referral for child mental health support
• Private family therapy
• Peer support groups for children of separated parents

When circumstances are complicated

If there’s been domestic abuse

If you’re leaving an abusive relationship, your safety and your children’s safety comes first. You may need to:

• Tell children without the other parent present
• Explain why you’re keeping your location private
• Seek professional advice on what to tell them

Contact a domestic abuse organisation for guidance specific to your situation.

If your ex-partner won’t cooperate

If you can’t agree on what to tell the children:

• Still try to give a consistent, blame-free message
• Don’t criticise your ex-partner in front of the children
• Seek help from a mediator or counsellor

If children already know

Sometimes children overhear arguments or discover things themselves. If the secret is already out:

• Acknowledge what they know
• Fill in the gaps with accurate information
• Apologise that they didn’t hear it from you first
• Focus on reassurance going forward