Helping children cope

What children need most

Research consistently shows that children cope best when parents:

• Shield them from conflict – Don’t argue in front of them or involve them in disputes
• Reassure them it’s not their fault – Children often blame themselves
• Maintain routines – Predictability provides security during uncertain times
• Support their relationship with both parents – Unless there are safety concerns
• Let them express their feelings – All emotions are valid, even difficult ones
• Give them time – Adjustment doesn’t happen overnight

How children are affected

Children’s reactions to their parents’ separation vary widely. Common responses include:

Sadness and grief – Mourning the loss of their family as they knew it, missing the absent parent, feeling tearful.

Anxiety and worry – Concerns about the future, fear of further changes, worry about each parent’s wellbeing.

Anger – Directed at one or both parents, siblings, friends, or the situation itself.

Confusion – Struggling to understand why this is happening, mixed feelings about both parents.

Guilt – Believing they caused the separation or could have prevented it.

Relief – Sometimes, especially if there was conflict at home, children feel relieved when tension reduces.

Regression – Younger children may revert to earlier behaviours like bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or clinginess.

These reactions are normal and usually temporary. With consistent support, most children adjust to their new circumstances.

Age-specific guidance

Babies and toddlers (0-3)

Very young children won’t understand the separation but will sense changes in routine and parental stress.

You might notice:

• Increased clinginess or fussiness
• Sleep disturbances
• Changes in eating habits
• Regression in development

How to help:

• Keep their routine as consistent as possible
• Provide extra physical comfort and closeness
• Be patient with any regression – it usually passes
• Maintain familiar objects and environments

Pre-schoolers (3-5)

At this age, children may think they caused the separation or that it’s temporary.

You might notice:

• Separation anxiety when leaving either parent
• Regressive behaviour (bedwetting, thumb-sucking, tantrums)
• Asking the same questions repeatedly
• Fantasy that parents will reunite

How to help:

• Use simple, concrete explanations
• Reassure them repeatedly that both parents love them
• Keep transitions between homes calm and positive
• Be patient – they need time to understand

Primary school age (6-11)

Children this age understand more but may feel intensely sad or caught in the middle.

You might notice:

• Feeling responsible or wanting to “fix” things
• Blaming themselves or one parent
• Worrying about practical things (where they’ll live, what happens to pets)
• Declining school performance
• Anger, sadness, or mood swings
• Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches)

How to help:

• Reassure them repeatedly that it’s not their fault
• Give honest, age-appropriate answers to their questions
• Never ask them to choose sides or carry messages
• Keep them informed about changes that affect them
• Let teachers know what’s happening

Teenagers (12-18)

Adolescents may seem to cope well or may react strongly. They’re processing complex emotions while navigating their own developmental challenges.

You might notice:

• Anger at one or both parents
• Withdrawal from family
• Taking on adult responsibilities or worrying about you
• Risk-taking behaviour
• Academic changes (better or worse)
• Questioning relationships and commitment

How to help:

• Respect their need for independence and privacy
• Don’t rely on them for emotional support – you’re still the parent
• Be honest but don’t overshare adult details
• Acknowledge their feelings are valid, even if expressed through anger
• Let them have input on arrangements where appropriate

Warning signs to watch for

While some distress is normal, certain signs suggest a child may need extra support:

Persistent symptoms (lasting more than a few weeks)

• Ongoing sadness or tearfulness
• Withdrawal from friends and activities
• Significant changes in eating or sleeping
• Declining school performance
• Loss of interest in things they used to enjoy

More serious concerns

• Talk of hurting themselves or wishing they were dead
• Extreme anxiety or panic attacks
• Aggressive or destructive behaviour
• Persistent physical symptoms without medical cause
• Substance use (in older children)
• Complete withdrawal from one parent

Practical ways to support your children

Create a safe space for feelings

Let children know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. You might say:

• “It’s completely normal to feel upset about this”
• “You can talk to me whenever you want”
• “There are no wrong feelings”

Don’t try to fix or minimise their emotions. Simply listening and acknowledging is often what they need most.

Keep routines consistent

Where possible, maintain:

• Regular bedtimes and morning routines
• Mealtimes and family rituals
• School attendance and homework patterns
• Extracurricular activities
• Time with friends and extended family

If children move between two homes, try to have similar rules and expectations in both places.

Support relationships with both parents

Unless there are genuine safety concerns, children benefit from strong relationships with both parents.

• Speak positively (or at least neutrally) about your ex
• Encourage phone or video calls when children are with you
• Never use your child as a messenger or spy
• Don’t make them feel guilty about enjoying time with your ex
• Be flexible and cooperative about arrangements

Make transitions easier

Handovers between parents can be emotional. Help by:

• Keeping goodbyes brief and positive
• Not asking children about the other parent’s life
• Allowing time to settle after they arrive
• Having comfort items available at both homes
• Letting children take meaningful belongings between houses

Create belonging in both homes

Your child should feel at home in both places, not like a visitor.

• Let them have their own space, even if small
• Include their input in decorating their room
• Keep some of their belongings at each home
• Display their photos and artwork
• Maintain similar routines across both homes

What to avoid

Research and experience show that these behaviours harm children:

Using children as messengers – “Tell your father he needs to pay the maintenance” puts children in impossible positions.

Criticising the other parent – “Your mother never thinks about anyone but herself” makes children feel torn and disloyal.

Instead of: “Your dad is so unreliable” Try: “There’s been a change of plan for Saturday. I know that’s disappointing.”

Pumping children for information – “What did Dad say about me?” turns children into spies.

Showing excessive distress – While it’s okay to acknowledge you’re sad, children shouldn’t feel responsible for your emotional wellbeing.

Making children choose – “Would you rather live with me or your father?” is an unfair burden.

Discussing adult matters – Details about affairs, finances, or legal disputes should be kept between adults.

Sudden changes – Major decisions like moving house or changing schools should be communicated gently with plenty of notice.

What children want parents to know

Research with children of divorce consistently shows they want:

1. To know it’s not their fault – Tell them this repeatedly
2. To love both parents – Without feeling guilty or disloyal
3. To be kept out of arguments – They don’t want to hear you fighting
4. Honesty – Age-appropriate explanations, not lies or evasions
5. Stability – Routines, rules, and knowing what to expect
6. To be heard – Their feelings and opinions matter
7. Time – To adjust without pressure to be okay immediately
8. Permission to grieve – The family they knew is changing

Key messages to give your child

Whatever their age, children need to hear these messages repeatedly:

• “This is not your fault. Nothing you did caused this.”
• “Mummy and Daddy both love you very much. That will never change.”
• “You don’t have to choose between us.”
• “It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.”
• “We’re still your parents and we’ll always be here for you.”
• “You can talk to us about anything.”
• “Things will get easier with time.”

Talking to your child’s school

Letting your child’s school know about the separation can help them get support.

Tell the school:

• That you’re separating (without going into details)
• Who to contact for each parent
• Any changes to pick-up arrangements
• If there are any safety concerns

Ask about:

• How your child is doing in class
• Support services available (school counsellor, pastoral care)
• How they handle communications with separated parents

Most schools are experienced in supporting children through family changes.

Looking after yourself

You can’t support your children effectively if you’re running on empty. Make time for:

• Your own emotional support (friends, family, counselling)
• Rest and basic self-care
• Activities that restore your energy
• Processing your own feelings away from the children

Getting professional help

If your child is struggling, support is available:

Through the NHS:

• Talk to your GP, who can refer to CAMHS
• School counsellors may be available
• Some areas have family support services

Charitable organisations:

• Childline – Free confidential support for children: 0800 1111
• Young Minds – Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544
• Family Lives – Parenting advice and support: 0808 800 2222
• Winston’s Wish – Support for children dealing with loss: 08088 020 021

Private support:

• Child counsellors and play therapists
• Family therapy
• Co-parenting counselling

Summary

Helping children cope with divorce comes down to:

1. Reassure them – It’s not their fault, both parents love them
2. Protect them – From conflict, adult information, and being put in the middle
3. Support them – Emotionally, practically, and in their relationship with both parents
4. Listen to them – Their feelings matter
5. Maintain stability – Routines and boundaries provide security
6. Get help if needed – Professional support is available
7. Look after yourself – You can’t support them if you’re running on empty

Most children adjust well to divorce when their parents work together to support them. It won’t always be easy, but with patience and care, your family can come through this.