When parents can't agree

Why agreement matters

Reaching agreement yourselves – rather than having a judge decide – usually produces better outcomes because:

You know your children best. A judge who meets your family briefly can’t understand your children’s needs like you do.

Agreed arrangements are more likely to work. Solutions you’ve both bought into are easier to follow than ones imposed on you.

It’s less harmful for children. Court proceedings are stressful and can take months, prolonging uncertainty for everyone.

It’s cheaper and faster. Court is expensive even without solicitors, and cases typically take around 10 months.

It preserves your co-parenting relationship. Adversarial court battles can create bitterness that makes future cooperation harder.

Options before court

Keep talking

Sometimes initial discussions fail because emotions are running too high. It may be worth:

• Taking a break and trying again when things have calmed down
• Communicating in writing instead of face-to-face
• Focusing on one issue at a time rather than trying to resolve everything at once
• Asking what’s really important to the other person and genuinely listening

Family mediation

A mediator is a trained neutral professional who helps you have productive conversations and find solutions. Mediation works well for most families because:

• You stay in control of the outcome
• It’s much faster than court
• It’s significantly cheaper (£500 government voucher available)
• It teaches communication skills for future co-parenting
• Research shows mediated agreements are more likely to stick

Before applying to court, you’ll usually need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) anyway, so you might as well give mediation a proper try.

The £500 Family Mediation Voucher:

You can get a voucher worth up to £500 towards mediation costs, regardless of your income.

• Find an accredited mediator through the Family Mediation Council
• Ask them to apply for the voucher on your behalf
• The voucher covers mediation sessions (not the initial MIAM)

When mediation isn’t suitable:

You may be exempt from attending a MIAM if:

• There’s been domestic abuse (you have evidence)
• There are child protection concerns
• The matter is urgent (e.g., risk of child being taken abroad)
• You’ve already attended a MIAM in the last 4 months
• You can’t locate your ex-partner

Solicitor negotiation

If direct communication is too difficult, solicitors can negotiate on your behalf. This is more formal than mediation and useful when there are complex legal issues or a power imbalance.

The downside is cost – solicitor negotiations can become expensive if they drag on.

Collaborative law

In collaborative law, each parent has their own solicitor, but everyone commits to resolving matters without going to court. If court becomes necessary, you have to find new solicitors – which creates a strong incentive to reach agreement.

Family arbitration

An arbitrator is a private judge who makes decisions that are binding on both parents. It’s faster than court and you can choose an arbitrator with relevant expertise.

Arbitration suits parents who can’t agree but want someone else to decide without the delays and formality of court.

When court is necessary

Sometimes court really is the only option:

• Safety concerns – If you believe your child is at risk of harm
• Complete refusal to engage – If your ex won’t discuss arrangements or attend mediation
• Parental alienation – If your child is being turned against you
• Urgent decisions – If you need to prevent something harmful (like removal from the country)
• Fundamental disagreement – If you’ve genuinely tried every other option

Applying to court

How to apply

1. Attend a MIAM (or confirm you’re exempt)
2. Complete Form C100 – The application for a child arrangements order
3. Complete Form C1A – If there are allegations of harm or domestic abuse
4. Pay the £263 fee (fee help may be available)
5. Submit to the court – The court will send copies to your ex

The court process

1. Safeguarding checks (before first hearing)

Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) will check police and local authority records, speak to both parents by phone, and prepare a safeguarding letter for the court.

2. First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment (FHDRA)

The first hearing aims to identify issues, explore whether agreement is possible, and decide next steps. A Cafcass officer attends and may help you reach agreement. If you can agree, the court can make a consent order that day.

3. If no agreement: Section 7 report

The court may order a detailed welfare assessment. A Cafcass officer will meet both parents and the child, speak to schools and GPs, possibly visit homes, and write a report with recommendations. This typically takes 10-12 weeks.

4. Final hearing

If you still can’t agree, both parties give evidence and the judge makes a decision.

The whole process typically takes around 10 months.

What the court considers

The court uses the ‘welfare checklist’:

• The child’s physical, emotional and educational needs
• The likely effect of any change in circumstances
• The child’s age, sex, background and relevant characteristics
• Any harm the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering
• How capable each parent is of meeting the child’s needs
• The child’s wishes and feelings (considering their age and understanding)

The child’s welfare is paramount. Courts aren’t interested in what’s fair to parents – only what’s best for children.

What courts don’t like

Courts take a dim view of parents who:

• Refuse to try mediation without good reason
• Make applications over minor issues
• Use court to punish or control the other parent
• Make false allegations
• Involve children in adult conflict
• Repeatedly breach orders or refuse to comply

This behaviour can count against you when the court makes its decisions.

Representing yourself

Many parents handle child arrangements cases without solicitors. If you’re thinking about this:

Advantages: Significant cost savings, direct control over your case, courts are used to unrepresented parties

Challenges: Court procedures can be confusing, emotionally difficult to argue your own case, possible imbalance if the other parent has a solicitor

Support available:

• Citizens Advice – Free general guidance
• Personal Support Unit (PSU) – Volunteers at court who can help on the day
• McKenzie Friend – Someone who can sit with you (with permission) to take notes and provide support
• Direct access barrister – You can instruct a barrister directly for specific hearings

Legal aid may be available if there’s been domestic abuse or child protection concerns.

Costs

You may qualify for help with court fees if you’re on benefits or low income.

If your ex won’t engage

If they won’t attend mediation: You can still attend the MIAM yourself. The mediator will sign your form confirming you attended, and you can then apply to court.

If they ignore court proceedings: The court will still proceed. Orders can be made in their absence.

If they breach a court order: You can apply for enforcement. The court can vary the order, require unpaid work, or in serious cases impose fines or imprisonment.

Emergency situations

If your child is in immediate danger, don’t wait for standard court processes. You can apply for an emergency court order (without notice to the other parent if necessary), contact police if there’s immediate risk, or seek urgent legal advice.

Moving forward

Whether you resolve things through mediation, negotiation, or court, at some point you’ll have arrangements in place. From then on:

• Focus on making the arrangements work
• Don’t relitigate old arguments
• Build on any cooperation you’ve achieved
• Remember that your children’s needs will change over time
• Be willing to revisit arrangements when circumstances genuinely change

The goal is to create a stable foundation for your children’s lives – however you get there.